Never worse but never better.

So, today probably was a never worse but never better day. I finished, well, we finished our Science Investigatory Project within the deadline and we were the only to pass it. I'm so so so happy. Just, how many times did I mention "so"? Oh, three. Speaking of three, three is uhm.. "I love you" or more like "Math is torture.". Haha. But anyway, I survived today especially in Calculus, I wasn't prepared for a test, actually, I am not always prepared. There's a lot going in a moment and I don't really know where to start or I can finish everything on time.

Me and my parents got in a little misunderstanding because I brought home a thing that's not mine, it was a letter but I brought it home because I want it to return to my classmates who is my neighbor too and which is a good intention but my parents are quite overprotective nowadays with me I've been through to deep depression because of bullying they don't want me to get into an issue that will bench another problem. I understand them but at the same time, I explained to them that I did it for a good intention, I did not touch it for no reason. But after everything tonight, they also listened to my side and understand what I want them to see.

Okay, let's proceed. Today was not that bad because Mr. Key made me smile. We again have these special conversations and only us can understand. Again, there were shivers in my spine and  irrepressible noises from my mouth and it's absurdly confusing me. But then again, we're just good friends having fun and at the same time working for our academic goals because we're graduating. I love it when he makes me laugh because the way he teases is so mean and then he tries to pull it back because he thinks I'm not gonna reply and I find that sweet tho. I wanna thank him for putting the good vibes spirit on me and again drawing the smile on my face. Preferably, I would like him to be like that every night because it feels I am the only who can see his other side, the numinous side.


To sum it all, today was awesome and thank you God for everything.
Quote for today: Whatever you do, start with black and white. Then consider colors.

Start simple then when it's good to go then put some spice on it. ;)
Good night everyone. I love you, xoxo. Till next blog day. Mwah. :*


Ever gorgeous,
Miss Mafia XX


P.S. This video is rated PG. Haha. Enjoy!

It's 2015 and it's still him.

It's 2015, and it's still him.

No light, and it's just dim.

How can a man like him

Become my worst dream?

He's so tall and handsome as hell.

He's so bad but he does it so well.

You came back and now I fell.

You know I have no words to tell.

How come you're so innocent?

And act like an angel sent?

You're making this hard for me.

Why don't you just set me free?

I cried too much, I cried a lot.

These scars was all I got.

Destiny, why are you so mean?

It's 2015, and it's still him.

-Midnight realizations.

Why did you come back?

Did someone from the past tried to come back in your present and then you're thinking about your future?

October 22, 2014

Is it the sun coming up? Or is it just you brightening up my day? Is it the camera that makes me smile? Or is it just you drawing it on my face? Oh come on. The spirit of being odd is on me again. The force were never on our favor neither the odds.

Why did you come back? It's been two years that I kept silent. I kept the urge of saying "Hi" to you for a very long long time. I don't think you know how hard is that. How hard to make things easier to get moving along. I never even thought I can do that. It's because I thought that you wanted space and time because I absurdly destroyed your life and ruined every single part of it since I came. That's what you want to tell me, right? I know. I already realized of that from the very beginning and I want to know it will end. And now here it is. I learned my lesson, you got your freedom and a well bounded experience from me. I even thought you should be thankful. Nah, just kidding. I know, no time for cranky jokes, but you were the one who started to take everything seriously. I'm just reducing the weight, I'm doing you a favor in the middle of this. Isn't that good? Again, I made a very wrong move. I'm sorry and I accept that.

Why did you come back? It's been me all along trying to forget you, trying to stop reminiscing of the bitter-sweet memories of us. I've been trying to bury it down, but the gravity is pulling it up. The gravity of the thought, of the fact, of the feeling, of the reality that I still love you. But I know this nonsense has to stop. It's been me all along trying to drag you down, my presence dragging you down to the well of sucked up and and of the feeling being imprisoned in a cage.

Why did you come back? I've already set you free. You were never mine, I know that. I have my limitations. I have my rules. I set my boundaries. I killed my happiness. I drowned myself to make everything okay once again. I made myself strong and mature to fix everything I broke but I never fixed my broken self. I never found the other pieces but don't mind me. I know that I gave you a prick on your lovely journey. I'm sorry if my slow and mild tiptoes of love gave you nothing but headaches and heartaches. I killed myself slowly with the thought that this is it. This is the end. This is where I should stop in the wondrous pathway of being in the state of love. Maybe I was wrong that I gave you a glance on that very first day. I sound overreacting, right? I'm sorry again about that. I haven't' take my medicines yet. The medicines of the faith that it prescribed to me. The medicine of courage to move on and the free will to let go. But I'm going to be fine again because I know you found your happiness, there's no hindrance to it now. You'll be find your zing soon.

But why did you come back? I don't understand. Now it's all coming back. It's all coming back slowly. The memories are back. They are creeping me out again. They are haunting me again. There is something they want to prove, wanting to show me. What is it? We were okay and now it's coming back, we are again circling in this world called... I don't even know.

I said I love you. You said you hate me. I let you go and now you're haunting me back.

Please tell me. Let me understand. Why is that? Why did you come back?


-White Shadows.